Ferocious Gravy

I already explained myself on May 25th...

Friday, July 24

Silence

I'm having a hard time right now. I've been meaning to blog for quite a while. I've had a lot of developments in my life, mostly related to acquiring domestic skills. It has been, for the most part, a really great year for my personal life.

However, the thing that has finally made me break radio silence is our poor little kitty's illness. Honestly, my actual reaction to our current situation is that I want to be more silent than ever. I want to make it go away, pretend it isn't happening. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be experiencing this. But I can't stand the thought of letting this pass by unrecorded, unacknowledged. I need to honor her and let people know that she didn't just disappear, that we have all struggled as a family through this time, and that it's a really big moment in our lives.

Pipper is really sick. She has cancer. It's terminal. We found out on July 6th, the day after we got home from the 4th of July weekend. When we got home on Sunday, her breathing sounded congested, which was weird and new. I went to work the next day, called the vet, and they encouraged me to bring her in so they could take a look. They suspected a respiratory infection. I rushed home, made it to the office by 11:45am, and they told me they wanted to take X-rays instead of just sending us home with antibiotics, as they would do with a younger cat.

I had to leave her at the office until 2pm, because they had to "let the machine warm up" and then they were on lunch break, then they would take the images and I could pick her up. When I got there at 2pm, I was sort of in a fog. I remember feeling like I knew something was wrong, and I even picked up a pamphlet in the lobby about a Pet Loss Support Group at the local Humane Society. Then again, I can sometimes be a little bit pessimistic, so I tried to shrug that off. Unfortunately, the feeling was right this time. The vet showed me the chest X-ray, and I could see the masses. Lung cancer, she said. And since we had previously told her that Pipper's head had been twitching sometimes, the vet said she suspected it was probably being caused by brain cancer.

Silence.

Sobbing.

Deep breath. "What do we do?"

She explained that she expected Pipper to have "maybe a month."

Silence.

How do you respond to that? I just cried and stared at the X-ray. I nodded. I tried not to lose it. I tried to be an adult, for whatever that's worth. I mentioned my husband, and how much he loves our little cat. She said that he was welcome to call her any time if he had any questions. We should watch her appetite, her mood, her breathing. She explained something about a blood test and that she would get a second opinion on the X-ray, but it didn't really register, since I could see those masses with my own eyes. She said there would be no pain, but that certain symptoms would cause stress, which we shouldn't put Pipper through, if we could avoid it.

Ok, thank you. Can I call if I think of anything else?

Yes, of course.

I cried in the exam room for a little while, and the staff tried to give me some space to be with our kitty for a few minutes. I decided I needed to deliver this news to Jesse in person, so I took Pipper home, made sure she seemed comfortable, then drove up to San Francisco at about 3:00pm. I called Jesse when I was around the block from his work. He met me outside. We cried. I tried to describe what the vet told me, but I had a hard time delivering the same message myself. We decided to go straight home. I gave Jesse the vet's phone number, and he called her on the way home. She apparently told him that Pipper had "two weeks to a month."

We had a bad week. She was sullen, exhausted, sleeping in a different room. She sounded extra "congested" if she got up and moved around (though she didn't do much of that). She didn't lift her head up if we walked into the room. We found ourselves frequently laying a hand gently on her to make sure she was still breathing.

We continued to work. Our friends were so supportive. I had prepared myself for a couple of 'off' remarks, but was so grateful that everyone seemed to understand. I recalled all of my friends who had lost pets. I kicked myself for anything I thought I said to them that might not have been appropriate. I wished I could've done more for all of them. I realized that you can't fully understand this situation without some prior experience, and that made me sad, too. I know that this will haunt me whenever a friend says they're going through something similar. It breaks my heart to think of that.

The following weekend was hard. Pipper had some kind of tremor on Saturday while Jesse was with her. The whole situation had become overwhelming -- we didn't know when we would "know," and we didn't know if she was experiencing stress. We had sort of lost perspective, since we hadn't seen her normal behavior in over a week. It was very lonely.

On Sunday afternoon, she sort of perked up. I don't exactly know what tipped us off at first, but she seemed a little more interested in the world around her. We could walk into the room, and she would look up at us. It was different somehow.

By Monday morning, she was hanging out with us on the bed like old times. She started to greet us when we walked into the room. She was proactively acknowledging us. I can't explain how happy and relieved I was. It was as if she was saying, "Here I am! Remember me?" And we did. We could finally see that she was still the same, loving, upbeat cat. She just got a little winded if she walked around too much. But once she was able to rest up, she was engaged and interested and cuddly. She started climbing up onto our chests. She started biting my hair and licking Jesse's head (some of her favorite things). She was on our bed all day (not in the other room). She was back, and we were so grateful. It was such a great week.

By this past Monday, I had come full circle, and I started to really internalize that, even though she was upbeat and perky again, it didn't mean she was getting better. It was just a really awesome period of time that would help us remember our little buddy as her happy, lovable self. I was filled with gratitude every time I saw her, and I tried to hold on to all of those happy moments and not take them for granted.

On Tuesday, Jesse noticed that her breathing had changed again. This time, it was really shallow and fast. It only happened when she exerted herself, but it was still really concerning. She also starting to do something that resembled coughing, except it was very weak, and it made her really uncomfortable. She would cough a little bit, then rapidly try to change positions and find another place to be. She was crouching down and looked a little bit panicked. As soon as the coughing stopped, she would try to lay down and relax. I could only think that the weakness and fear was caused by her reduced lung capacity. The masses must be growing, and she's suffering. We were so worried.

On Wednesday, it was clear that she was getting really tired again. I would see her asleep in the middle of the floor, which she never does. It was as if she got tired somewhere between point A and point B, so she would just lay down and rest. In the morning, she was not on the bed with us. Instead, she was on the rug next to the bed, curled up and looking fairly uncomfortable. We found her sleeping in the other room again on Wednesday night.

Yesterday morning, she seemed extremely uncomfortable. Not only was her breathing quick and shallow (while lying still), but she would curl up next to us and *immediately* lay her head down (on the side) and try to go to sleep. She just doesn't ever do that. If we're up with her on the bed, she's usually trying to get us to pet her, or biting us, or just sitting quietly with her head up and eyes open. We knew she wasn't feeling good at all. It hurt to look at her, because we felt like she was in pain, or at least really uncomfortable.

We talked and talked and talked about what we were seeing. We cried. We pet Pipper, hugged her, cried. She seemed to be unhappy when we touched her -- she would jolt her head to look at us, and she almost looked scared. A couple of times, when we touched her, she would quickly get up and scoot a few inches away, and lay back down. She was clearly telling us to leave her alone, she wasn't feeling good.

On Wednesday night, I thought it might be coming. On Thursday morning, I felt the tension in the room, as we talked about our observations. I finally said it: "Do you think it might be time?" He said yes, he did. We cried.

We decided that "tomorrow" (today) would be the right time. We talked to her.

We went to work, I called the vet. They were as reassuring as they could be, and I made an appointment. I hated being at work. I cried frequently, I locked myself in a conference room with my laptop and a box of kleenex. I've been wearing my glasses, because crying dries out my contacts, and I can't stop crying.

I got home Thursday evening, and rushed into the bedroom to find Pipper curled up on a rug next to the bed. She looked so sweetly up at me, and purred when I pet her. It broke my heart. I started to really question our decision. Jesse got home, we visited Pip again. I told him I wasn't sure. We petted her more, and out of nowhere, she started squirming and her breathing became really shallow again. She let her head fall to the floor, and we noticed that she had a new way of positioning herself. Her paws were always up under her chest, like she was trying to hold herself up and reduce the pressure on her body. It was just another sign. It was like she was telling us, "I want to be happy to see you, but I'm not happy about anything right now."

We talked for a long time. We talked about compassion, pain, indecision, fear, love, comfort. We talked about selflessness, and I said that I think I finally know what that means in this situation. We need to swallow our fear of making the wrong decision at the wrong time, and help our little buddy out of the discomfort her illness is causing her. It's not about us or our sadness. It's about what's right for her in this situation. She can't make the decision for herself, but she's trying to tell us what we need to do.

It's Friday morning, and our little buddy is hanging out in the other room, away from us. She's uncomfortable. If we approach her, she sometimes looks at us, sometimes doesn't. She sometimes purrs, sometimes tries to get away. She still pulls her little paws up under her chest. I watched her try to place her paw a different way, maybe to hold her head when she puts it down, I'm not sure. But every time she tried to move her paw, she would immediately pull it back under, like she couldn't find the right position. Jesse is torn, because she clearly wants to be left alone, but he wants to hug her for every second she has left with us.

So, this is our last day. Our appointment is at 3:00pm. There will be plenty more tears today, and an outpouring of love for our little Pip, as she spends her last few hours in our house. It has been such an awesome experience to have her living with us. I've had lots of pets, all through my life. Having only one pet has been a very intimate experience, and I'm so glad that Jesse has been able to experience Pip's unconditional love. Our little family of three has been so happy together for the past four years. We love you so much, Pipper.

Friday, February 20

What have *you* been up to?

For those of you who read my blog, but who I don't talk to on a regular basis, I'm sorry that I'm a bum. =) I have been up to stuff, but I haven't said much about it.

Since my last post on January 7th, I...

...have traveled to Pennsylvania and Washington, D.C.
...magically acquired a ticket to the Swearing-in Ceremony for President Barack Obama. (w00t, Ry!)
...attended said Swearing-in Ceremony.
...told my realtor and mortgage broker to go away and leave us alone.
...became an iPhone user.
...celebrated my 2-year wedding anniversary.
...took a weekend road trip to Oregon.

Clearly, I've have a great 6 weeks or so, overall. The day after the Inauguration, I sat down and wrote an extremely long blog post (and saved it)... but for as long as it was, it seemed like there was a lot more detail that I was missing (probably because I was still exhausted). So I'll finish that and post it at some point, hopefully soon.

As a New Years Resolution, I think our mortgage broker and realtor decided to flip through their Rolodex and call everyone they once knew, to see if they were ready to be convinced to buy. We told them, in no uncertain terms, "No, please leave us alone."

(flash - next story!) Jesse and I celebrated our 2-year wedding anniversary at the end of January. Two years is the 'cotton' anniversary, so we did really think about how to incorporate cotton somehow. I tried to convince him that the majority of jewelry is made of cotton, as well as stainless steel ("cotton") pots and pans, and iPhones... So, when it came down to gift-opening, I reached into the small gift bag and what did my fingers touch? Shoot, it was *real* cotton. Only a tiny bit disappointed, I pulled it out of the bag, and unfolded what seemed like a black t-shirt. OK, it *was* a black t-shirt... that had iPhone buttons screen-printed on it! w00t! I dragged him off to the AT&T store right then and there, and now I'm a proud iPhone user! =) And, folks, if I'm an iPhone user, then these things have really taken off. I'm not an Apple fangirl, and I don't approve of spending the additional $30/month for a data plan... and *I* think it's totally worth it. I love it! Happy Anniversary, Bug! Thank you for my cotton iPhone! =)

Also for our anniversary, we had talked about going away somewhere for a weekend. We didn't need to go far... just a quick trip to mark the occasion. Jess suggested Oregon while we were doing dishes one night. It was a little further than I was thinking of driving, but he liked the idea of driving north on I-5 and spending a weekend in Ashland. Neither of us had ever been, but we both like theater, and Ashland is famous for its Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

Ashland. Is. Adorable.

We absolutely loved it there, and we will definitely go back sometime. We saw a production of "Death and the King's Horseman," which is a contemporary play by Nigerian playwright Wole Soyinka, who has been awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. It was an absolutely fascinating play, and I'm really glad that we had the chance to see it. The cast, and in particular the lead and the actress who played his wife, were so completely committed to their roles. Apparently, the play is based on actual events, when the Yoruba of Nigeria were under British Colonial rule. It was a very eye-opening depiction of the juxtaposition of Western values and tribal rituals and beliefs. Admittedly, Jess and I were mostly lost at the beginning of the play, because the language Soyinka used was so rich with metaphor. And the metaphors that were used compared life experiences to things Westerners aren't all that familiar with, like plants and animals that are indigenous to Africa, so it was hard to keep up. The language barrier created awkward silences when the actors would laugh at a joke Soyinka had written in that audience hadn't quite picked up on. All's well, though, because by the end of the first act, I understood the direction things were going in, and it only got better and better from there.

Jess and I both had the same impression when the play was over -- "wow, that was so Shakespearian." Of course, this playwright has a very different tone, different subject matter, and different overall style, but still... the language was rich, intense, and full of inuendo. We highly recommend it! But consider yourself warned about those metaphors. =) We thought we would've been able to pick it all up more quickly if we'd known what to expect.

And last, but not least by any means, downtown Ashland was SO charming! We went to dinner at the Brewery, we shopped in their great Comic Book store (they had awesome journals and non-comic books, too), and we went to a local candy store that had to-die-for caramel apples! We picked the "Toffee Almond Caramel Apple," which was a regular caramel apple, rolled in crushed toffee almonds. What more could a person ask for? They sliced it, we shared it... and then went back on our way out of town and got two for the road. Man, I wish we could get those here! But it looks like you can't even order them!!

That's all for now. =) I will try to post the Inauguration summary soon...!

Wednesday, January 7

Lessons from IRS Tax Code

It's that time of year again, when we need to report our income to the Federal Government, so they can take "their portion," and leave us with whatever's left. Anyway, I was reading up on Tax Code...like you do...and I stumbled on, quite possibly, some of the most ridiculous government text I've ever seen. This can be found in Publication 525 from the Internal Revenue Service, current for 2008:

Stolen property. If you steal property, you must report its fair market value in your income in the year you steal it unless in the same year, you return it to its rightful owner.

I wish I was kidding. Alas, this can be found in the Other Income section, right between the "Social Security and Equivalent Railroad Retirement Benefits" and "Transporting School Children" sections. Page 35.

So, I thought to myself, "Wow! This text was actually legislated." Because, really, of all the people in the country who pay taxes, how many of them are taking stock of the things they stole during the calendar year, so that they can accurately report that income to the Federal Government? Something tells me that honesty is not a priority for people who are already stealing. Moreover, those folks are probably not pouring over Tax Code (unlike Yours Truly) in their spare time.

OK, let's say you stole something. You then decide, in some alternate universe, that you're going to file an income tax return. Are you really, I mean...really, going to admit to Federal officials that you stole something? But then, really, why are Federal officials deeming stolen goods as legitimate "other income"? This was not good decision making. I'd like to see the revenue numbers for the years before and after this piece of Tax Code was published.

Sigh.

Friday, December 19

Do the Right Thing

Jerry Brown is doing the right thing.

It is so sad to see that some people are still insisting, to this day, that it's somehow justifiable to actively strip a group of people of their rights under the law. We're not talking about a group of criminals.. we're talking about people who just want an equal and lawful way of expressing their commitment to one another.

Go, Jerry, go!
Brown asks state high court to overturn Prop. 8

(12-19) 19:43 PST SAN FRANCISCO -- State Attorney General Jerry Brown, in a surprise turnabout, asked the California Supreme Court on Friday to overturn Proposition 8, saying the voter-approved ban on same-sex marriage violates basic rights guaranteed in the state Constitution.

[...]

"Proposition 8 must be invalidated because the amendment process cannot be used to extinguish fundamental constitutional rights without compelling justification," Brown said.

The authors of the state Constitution, he said, did not intend "to put a group's right to enjoy liberty to a popular vote."

[...]

"We have a conflict between the amendment power (through voter initiatives) and the duty of the Supreme Court to protect minorities and safeguard liberty," Brown said.

[...]

As the "chief law officer of the state," Brown said in his brief, he is "duty bound to uphold the whole of the Constitution" and not merely the power of the people to change the laws by initiative.

Friday, December 5

The Family Giving Tree

My company has always had an organized charitable holiday gift-giving program. In years past, we would exclusively deal with Toys For Tots. So, you just bring in toys or money to the office, and then hundreds of toys are donated to children in need.

This year, we're working with Toys for Tots again, but instead of toys, we're helping out with their Literacy Program. We're donating books and money to support literacy and academic success. (Love it!)

On top of "Books for Tots," we're also working with The Family Giving Tree. I am SO excited about this! You know how there are gift-giving trees, where you take a piece of paper that says a child's age and gender on it, then you have to go out shopping for an appropriate gift? Right. Well, that's hard, because when you have the money to make a charitable gift, the chances are that you're too old to know what those little kids *actually* want at their ages. Sheesh! Don't get me wrong, I've done it anyway, but it's still not as easy as it could be.

Enter The Family Giving Tree. They actually provide cards (to decorate your office's tree) that include not only the kid's age and gender, but also *what they want for Christmas*. Genius. Here are the 3 cards I picked:

1. newborn baby girl needs baby supplies
2. adult male wants a rainstick instrument
3. 11 year-old girl wants a backpack & school supplies

Oh my goodness, I can't handle it! I *love* school supplies! My favorite time of the school year was when I got to pick out a new backpack, and fill it with a bunch of new pencils and paper and folders and markers and erasers, etc. I was thrilled to go buy school supplies for a sixth grade girl!

I decided to ask my co-worker what his daughter needed for 6th grade (her current grade), and he actually got me the list their school sent to him in August. I bought almost everything on the list. I had a blast! =) I bought a pink backpack, and filled it with:

- pens
- mechanical pencils & lead
- eraser
- glue stick
- white out tape
- scissors
- binder
- folders
- ruler
- post-it notes
- colored index cards
- calculator
- accordian file
- planner notebook
- markers
- "twistable" colored pencils (they don't need to be sharpened!)
- cute things (Hello Kitty bag clip & mini gel pens)
- an "American Girl" book on Starting Middle School (next year!)
- USB thumb drive

...that's right, a USB thumb drive. According to parents of elementary school kids around here, that's totally essential for school. More and more is done on the computer, and it's the easiest method for moving information around, I guess. Amazing. School continues to morph to meet the needs of each generation! I think that's exciting, and I wouldn't want this little girl to be left behind academically.

Anyway, as it turns out, The Family Giving Tree also does an event for kids who are starting school, to outfit them with these very same things. I think I might end up liking that time of year as much as I like Christmas! (maybe.)

Wednesday, November 5

More good news before bed.


With all of the hard work ahead, at least President-elect Obama will have the help of a left-leaning Congress. I think he'll pick a more moderate cabinet, so I think the Executive and Legislative branches will be a good mix of minds.


CNN has called Alaska and Montana for McCain, but they're still deciding on Missouri, Indiana and North Carolina. I have a hunch they'll all go to Obama, but they're having a hard time accepting and calling it that way. ;)

Tuesday, November 4

A New President of the United States of America


CNN told us the news, right at 8:00pm. Words can't express how happy and proud we are!

I voted!

I've done all I can do.

And hopefully, this message is too late (because you've already voted), but I want to draw attention to Prop 8...

Prop 8 videos

Here are a couple of the best videos, in my opinion:


I'll keep my fingers crossed that the video surge in the past week or so has done enough.